"I do not think that is funny" - Stanley

So The Office was new last night and I loved it loved it loved it. So funny. So many awesome quotes and expressions.

Survivor was also very sweet - lots of strategy. When did Cirie start running the show?? I still can't get over how much (I think) Aras looks like my brother Mark!! Shane is totally growing on me now for some reason. So glad Courtenay is gone now - grr she annoyed me (and everyone else apparently...). One thing is for sure - Terry is going to win it all and break the curse of the car!! Aras calls him Captain America to make fun of him, but I think he really is Captain America. Seriously - the guy rocks. He is unstoppable :)

In diet news, my old jeans are not as tight as they were a few weeks ago!! I am feeling great since I cut out all of the crap (pepperoni, pizza, all that garbage). Since I am running each day after work I am having no problems falling asleep at night. So nice. It's weird that I have more energy when I exercise - I would think that would just make me more tired. Whatever - I never was very smart...

Well, I have lots of work to do, but I will try to quote it up a bit from last night's office before I get to it:

Dwight : (yelling at Kellie) “Your ass is on the line mister! My ass is on the line!”

Dwight: "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."
Ryan: "What's the hard way?"
Dwight : "I go to the police station on my lunch break and speak with a police officer - I know several. I tell them what I suspect you have in your car. They petition a judge for a search warrant. Once the officer has sucessfully obtained said search warrant, he returns here and demands your car keys and you have to give them to him. "
Ryan: "Let's do that one."

Dwight : Do you know what this is?!!
Phyllis : Yes – that is marijuana.
Dwight : How do you know that?
Phyllis : It’s labeled.

Dwight : I know you’re innocent, but it can’t look like I’m giving you special treatment. Where were you yesterday after work?!
Angela (slow smile)

Jim : Dwight you look cute today.
Dwight : Thanks girl.

Michael: "Where's your costume?"
Dwight: "It's a uniform."

Hee hee!!

"I've got a bad case of Screw-This-Place-Itis"

Oh how Administrative Professionals week sucks. Our President is a very nice guy and I enjoy talking to him, but I don't understand why ALL women in the office get some sort of flowers or chocolates on Admin Pro day. Even the lady managers. I don't know - it just seems somewhat chauvanistic sometimes :) Whatever. Free chocolate (that I gave to J... he enjoyed it).

Work is nuts today - I hope Bossman is enjoying his time off because he sure dropped the ball on a ton of stuff that we are figuring out now!! Whatever. I'll expect that bonus check in cash... :)

J booked our train trip for June!!! I am sooooo excited!! He booked us a Sleeper on the way back complete with beds and food and electricity outlets and newspapers and goodies!!! I am so excited!!

Anyways, too much work to do - must quote. I'm in an Office Space mood today...


Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions mat". You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
Michael Bolton: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.


Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.


Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.


Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

Back to work!!

Twins!

Seriously. They remind me so much of each other. Wack.

Angela is out of the running!! She sucked!!

So I guess I didn't technically "quit" drinking coffee. I'm down to 1 large a day instead of 2-4
X-larges. Seriously - this is good. People used to call me at 7 and see if I wanted a coffee.
"Yes."
Then someone would show up at 7:30 with another one for me.
"Yum."
At 9AM, K would come in... "S - I brought you something!!" (all proud of herself, sets coffee down on my desk)
"Ugh."
By 1pm, I was asleep out of utter exhaustion from jittering around the office because of all the caffeine. Sometimes I couldn't even think straight. I remember one of the drivers came in once and I said "Hi Joe - S speaking!" (that's how I answer the phone.). So yeah - I had to cut down on the stuff. But not cut it out completely. I would never wake up.

This topic is lame. Need new one.

Prison Break was saweet last night - I love that show. Prison Break is my 24 (since I don't watch 24 and it is apparently the greatest show ever). I don't agree (even though I haven't seen 24). I also watched the Apprentice, which is always good. Donald's minions last night were Ivanka and Donald Jr. That was funny - I like Ivanka (I saw her on Leno once and she was joking around with David Spade - calling him "Richard" because she only knew him from Tommy Boy...). Donald Jr is hilarious looking - he looks like a young caricature of his father. Looks like the definition of "pompous." Of course he made a lot of good points in the boardroom and he's probably a pretty smart and cool guy. But he made me laugh. He looked like he was going to take out a pipe at any moment, raise his eyebrow and say "Realllllllly..." I'll see if I can find a picture of him and post it on my next post. I just found one but it is seriously pixiliated...

Nothing else is really going on - I'm excited about possibly Amtrak-ing it to California (now I have that Phantom Planet song in my head from the O.C...).

Must quote - I just noticed that my In tray is really overflowing... I have a conference call at 10 and I still have to go to Tim Hortons and get my (1) coffee for the day!! Let's head over to The Office Valentine's Day/New York episode... such a gem:

Michael Scott: This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is the skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes.

Meredith: [reading card] Happy Valentine's Day, darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Michael Scott: Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids.

Michael Scott: New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

Pam Beesley: Okay, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means instead of what it is.
Dwight Schrute: You mean... like a ham?
Pam Beesley: [pause] No, not like a ham. It's about doing something so that the person knows that you really care about her. That you remember her--
Dwight Schrute: Okay shut up. I know exactly what to do.

Ryan: [hands messing up hair] I hooked up with Kelly on February 13th.

Michael Scott: This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an e-mail this morning.

Michael Scott: Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square... named for the good times you have when you're in it.

Michael Scott: What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes, or try on Phyllis' pants...

Dwight Schrute: It's me! I'm the bobblehead! Yes!
(NOTE : Follow the link to get your very own Dwight bobble head... only $15!! http://www.nbcuniversalstore.com/detail.php?p=8368 Sidenote : My b-day is the end of August...)

Michael Scott: New York is home to the best seafood in the world. See? There ya go! Right there, Red Lobster.

Michael Scott: (running down the subway... and then back up) Okay, there’s a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.

Dwight Shrute: Hey Angela, did you hear? Somebody totally rocked the house and got me the best present I’ve ever gotten.
Angela: Really? I wouldn’t know anything about that. But I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Dwight Shrute: I did. Oh I did.
Angela: I didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day.
Dwight Shrute: Oh I bet you will by the time the day’s over.
Angela: Really? Well I hope I do.

Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Michael Scott: Maybe because she’s my girlfriend. Was-- or not my girlfriend. We hooked up.

Craig: Yeah, uh, here's the deal, I did not understand that this was supposed to be a full on report and what not.
Jan: I’m sorry, what did you think 'financial presentation' meant?
Craig: I was under the impression that this was more like a meet-and-greet type deal.

Craig: Well, Michael made that stupid movie and he doesn’t get in any trouble. Maybe I should have slept with you too.

Jan: Surely you cannot be serious?
Michael Scott: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley. Airplane.

Roy: What’s wrong?
Pam Beesley: Nothing. It’s just that I had to sit here all day while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy: What, you’re mad at me?
Pam Beesley: Like, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was hoping you’d get me something for Valentine’s Day.
Roy: Well, Valentine’s Day isn’t over. Let’s get you home, and you are going to get the best sex of your life.

Oscar: The best present would be, you to do a good job in front of the new CFO.
Michael Scott: Duuuude, I'm gonna nail it. Me and New York? Oh, I own that city. Fo-get about it!

Michael Scott: The meeting isn't until three, but I always like to come a little early. This is where I do my haunts. Oh, look! [points to a Sbarro's] My favorite New York pizza place. I'm going to go get me a New York slice!

Hee hee!!

Okay I figured it out - Donald Junior is Ben Mulroney. Got it.

Clean car!

Okay not much to write - mom is out of town so I had a nice weekend with Dad while J was at work. Went for breakfast - DIDN'T order bacon (so proud of myself!).

Lots of work to do even though Bossman is on vacation (yeah!!). My pick to go home on the Apprentice tonight is Michael. He really didn't shine last week. I kind of hope his team wins though because the other team sucks!! They are such huge freaking snobs and are always talking about their $$$. Nerds.

So we are actually thinking of taking a train to LA for B's wedding!! That would rock - I have always wanted to take a train trip. It is about 1/2 the price of flying (and more than double the travel time... but who cares... it's a train ride). So cool. J is thinking of getting a little room for the trip back (35+ hours) so we can have beds and meals and a "private window". I'm not counting on that happening ($$$!), but I am excited either way. I think I'm most excited about getting out of here for a week. I am really ready for a vacation and so is J.

The Amazing Race for Gems on Saturday was awesome awesome awesome. So fun, even though we didn't win.

Oh yeah - they painted our office building this weekend and it is the Bayou Blue color on the new Toyota Yaris'!! So pretty. Speaking of rockin' Yaris's... I washed mine yesterday and he is sparkling like new. He looks all dolled up and ready for action (I don't know what that means...)

Okay back to work - let's get some quotes up in here...

Grandpa: Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong. Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Okay lots and lots of work to do and the warehouse guy is yakking at me. Can't focus on getting quotes right now.

Uh oh

Sweet. Figured out how to post pictures. This could get fun.

(get ready for posts and posts of images from Simpsons and other shows - I am so lame)

Smokin' busy Friday

Totally busy at work today and I'm going to try to sneak out today because I have church tonight and still have some stuff to do for that.

Busy day tomorrow - meeting for camp planning + Amazing Race for Gems (sweet). I'll just quote it up from the Office rerun last night and then I gotsta get my butt back to work...

Michael Scott: I know a ton of 14-year-old girls that could kick Dwight’s ass.Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?Dwight Shrute: What belt are they?

Dwight Shrute: Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Kelly: What!?

Michael Scott: Hey Ryan... this is your girlfriend, and I am mad!

Michael Scott: Do I want to be feared or loved? Um... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael Scott: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.

Michael Scott: Dwight is a wuss. When we rented Armageddon, he cried at the end of it.
Dwight Shrute: That was because it was New Year's Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

Michael Scott: [on the phone] This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan: You mean Neverland?

Jim Halpert: When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right?
Michael Scott: You're a Jet?

Dwight Shrute: I come from a long line of fighters, my maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp... My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life... different kind of fight.

Jim Halpert: Was that your mom?
Dwight Shrute: No, that was my sensei.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I thought that was your mom.

Michael Scott: Go ahead, punch me.
Jim: Can't. Just got a manicure.
Michael Scott: Oh queer! [looks at camera] ...Eye. Queer Eye. That's a good show. Important show.

Michael Scott: On the streets we didn't have any rules. Maybe one. No kicks to the groin, home for dinner.

Dwight Shrute: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: Okay, to what?
Dwight Shrute: Just put... the hospital. Contact number... just put 911. [Dwight leaves]
Michael Scott: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. ...You know what? Um, do yourself a favor. Just leave me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.

Dwight Shrute: I am now the Assistant Sensei.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Assistant to the Sensei.
Dwight Shrute: Assistant Sensei!

Toby: We wanna go home.
Michael Scott: Well you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby, so.

Michael Scott: Quit Pam-M-S-ing!

Michael Scott: [singing] I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on this mug all day--
Ryan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?

Michael Scott: Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good?

Dwight Schrute: Wash your hands Kevin.

Dwight Shrute: [after being promoted, looking around the conference room] So I guess... this'll just be my office.
Michael Scott: No. No. Title change only.
Dwight Shrute: I'll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael Scott: No, no. Three month probationary period, let's just not... tell, anybody, about this right now.
Dwight Shrute: Just a formality?
Michael Scott: Absolutely. But not really.

Michael Scott: Pam... make an announcement. Figure out carpools.

Kevin: Sweep the leg!

Michael Scott: 'Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?' Raging Bull, Pacino.

[Dwight enters]Michael Scott: Oh, hey... Karate Kid... The Hilary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?

Sensei: No points for pants.

Michael Scott: Um actually I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan: Updating emergency contacts?
Pam Beesley: Well, is that really a priority?
Michael Scott: Is it a priority? Oh I dunno. Um, what if there's a tornado, Pam? Peoples legs are crushed under rubble. 'Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife?' No, I can't, because we don't have any emergency contant information because Pam said it wasn't a priority. Think, think with your head Pam.

Jim Halpert: That's not advice. What advice sounds like is, 'don't ever bring your purple belt to work, because someone might steal it.' [holds up Dwight's purprle belt]
Dwight Shrute: Okay give that back to me.
Jim Halpert: Say please.
Dwight Shrute: No. That is not a toy.
Jim Halpert: Please?
Dwight Shrute: Please.
Jim Halpert: Good. And it absolutely is a toy. Arigato.

Jim Halpert: Well we're all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany Branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we all could go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight... FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT- I'm comin'- FIGHT!


Hee hee!! Such a good one. One of the best parts was at the beginning where Dwight's desk is in the bathroom and Jim calls him and asks about some sort of discount info. Dwight's response : "Jim! I have given you this information over 20 times now." "I know."

Yeah!

Thanks but no thanks on that Teen Burger

Yesterday Bossman says "I'm buying you all lunch tomorrow!" Well. Whatta treat.

Good thing I brought my trusty chicken breast today, because Bossman shows up at 12:30 with a bag of luke warm Teen Burgers from A&W. Yummmmm. I promptly (and privately... don't want to hurt Bossman's feelings) gave mine away. I then snuck into the boardroom to chow down on my delicious lunch from home. He used to buy us lunch on a semi-regular basis. It consisted of him at least throwing a $50 and some $20s at K or me and saying "I'm buying - take orders and can you pick it up?" At least we would get what we want (example - K hates tomatoes) and it would be from somewhere halfway decent like Tim Hortons or the Cafe down the road. But A&W?? Where did that come from?

Wow I'm being kind of a bag about this. I guess I should just say "Thank you Bossman" and discreetly pass off the offending "burger" to someone else in the office and then rant about it on my blog. Wait. That's what happened. I guess I'm not a total bag.

Quick quotes - have lots of work to do.

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise]
Dwight Schrute: Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesley: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesley: OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott: Pam, come on, "I like your food" no come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Bam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.
Pam Beesley: OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that i do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] Aw man, am I a woman?

Michael Scott: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don't tell them.

Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Okay I have to work now. Still smellin' that Teen Burger lingering in the office. When Bossman goes outside to smoke, I'm going to put his trashcan out the back door so we don't have to smell the fast food smell anymore...

'Suri' is not Hebrew for Princess... 'Sarah' is!

So I'm better now.

Yesterday was obviously kinda crappy - first day off of coffee. We'll see how I do today. I'll be sure to at least put up some quotes today - yesterday we were smokin' busy. Or were we busy smokin'....? (that was lame).

So it is J's birthday today and I don't think he is too happy about it. 29 today!! Wow - he is definatly at man now. He seemed pretty chipper today even though he was on a move until after 12 last night and we had to be back here at 7 this morning. I would like to head over to Kelly O's tonight with him and the brothers and the dad (mom is going to AB to see Opa this week), but J might just want to stay home and have that lasagna that he loves. Whatever - it's his day. I'm not going to make him take a shower and drag him to a resturant for some some mediocre steak and make him split a pitcher of Sleeman's Honey Brown with Dave & Mark. That can wait until my birthday. Today is for him :)

Still haven't had much luck with plane tickets for Ben's wedding in June. Man it's expensive to fly from Vancouver to LA in June!! Never mind that we have to move that same month and come up with $$ for a pet deposit (Moose!) and first and last months rent. Grrr.... good thing J has been working so hard. I've been trying to get my banked OT hours paid out, but someone is dragging their butt on it at Head Office trying to be cheap. That sucks.

Okay enough complaining - I have a bunch of updates and billing to do. Let's get some quotes going on from Malcolm In The Middle :

Malcolm: I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom.
Francis: Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right.
Reese: You take that back.

Merl: Our ranch has used this trail for over fifty years. We're not about to stop for a bunch of city boys playing 'horsey.'
Francis: Look, just because it's a dude ranch doesn't mean I don't bust my ass the same as you. [cell phone suddenly rings in musical fashion]
Earl: Hey, cowboy, your fanny-pack's ringing.

Hal: Keys. Where the hell are the keys?!
Reese: [Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go!

Hal: Dewey, don't be scared, but there is a big spider next to you.
Dewey: Yeah dad, there's always a spider on bacon day.

Malcolm: Mom, I hate wearing Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.

Hee hee! Okay back to work :)

Privacy Please!!

Okay someone in our office just had a baby and I'm really tired of hearing about the incision and the cuts and the feeding and the gas and everything. I'm sick of people coming in & sitting on my desk to talk to K about non-work-related crap. I'm sick of people coming in to talk to ME about non-work related crap. Do you really care how my weekend was?? I'm drinking tea - what do you care?? And don't give me a dirty look when I say "Good morning" too quiet without jumping up and down and giving you a hug. It's seven o clock in the freaking morning - I'm tired and I'm trying to give up coffee. I like coming in early because no one bothers me and I can get work done. This is not a lunchroom - get out of here!!! When I'm racing around working and being busy and my phone and my warehouse radio are both ringing and I'm obviously swamped, don't stand there with your hands in your pockets demanding that I "take a deep breath." Screw off!! I'm doing actual work!! If you are not going to work, then get the heck out - I have shit to do.

Okay I don't even have time to quote this morning because I am very busy. I'll do it this afternoon.

I will say this though - Prison Break had me yelling at the TV last night. "Nooooo!!!" Love it!

3 day weekend was enough for me - felt like a week

Back to work today. No traffic at all this morning because tons of people took off Easter Monday (including brother Dave... why does he get a 4 day long weekend?? Lucky bum). Had a very relaxing weekend. On Friday I did literally nothing. I was going to watch the Passion, but I couldn't find it (??) at my mom and dad's place. Then my parents were looking for it and got all pissed off when they couldn't watch it. They ended up watching Forrest Gump instead. Yeah. Gump. Definately a Good Friday movie if there ever was one.... I ended up playing The Adventures of Link for awhile. Took the dog for a walk. Went to 8PM church service @ Chandos Pattison - it was good.

Saturday I slept in and did my cleaning and watched good old Boy Meets World. We finished the day off with an old-fashioned Mario Party 7. (sigh... I literally did nothing this weekend and it was wonderbar).

Yesterday the boys and Kylie came over for Easter dinner and mom made a delicious ham and yummy mashed potatoes and some baked beans (she was proud of these, bragging that she was broadening our horizons. I declined to try them). I also made Easter cookies and decorated them with icing and stuff. J laughed and laughed at me, joking that the kids would love the cookies. I said they were adult cookies. I told everyone that the bunny shaped cookies were actually double guitars. Yum on that.

Dave brought his Guitar Hero game again and we all played. Mom actually got the hang of it and was rocking out to the Eagles and the Ramones by evenings end. Pretty fun.

Okay let's get some quotes going before Bossman returns from his cigarette fix:

Jerry: Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the
other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was
"War--What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like
the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song!
Jerry: That's were they got it from!
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking!

George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Jerry: Something huh?
George: Yeah! How'd she look.
Jerry: She looked great. She asked about you.
George: She did! What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn
remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
Jerry: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with
you.
George: OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna
be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You
got that.
Jerry: I got no problem with that.
George: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your
idea of some cute little game...we're finished!
Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Oh my god he's not kidding.
Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the
you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.

Diane: What's going on over here?
Woman at beach: There is a beached whale, she's dying.
Voice: Is anyone here a marine biologist?

George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I
was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the
breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine
intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry
at that moment I was a marine biologist!

George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to
return soup at a deli!

George: I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast
appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a
foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said,
"Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized
something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing
I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a
cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the
blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on
top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and
pulled out the obstruction!
(George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball)
(Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one eh.

Hee hee!!

Okay so Roll Up the Rim is over now. Guess I have to quit coffee now. That was the plan and then they brought on the contest. This'll be hard, but I have to do it. All that sugar and cream is not very good for my diet ;)

Things that make me laugh

(In a somewhat annoyed tone)...

In response to K for saying that some of my quotes aren't funny... this blog is called Things That Make ME Laugh. Whether it be a funny Costco-related-dad-bumbling-around story or an obscure Office quote that makes no sense; if it's funny to me at that moment, I'm going to post it. When I come back to it in a few weeks and it doesn't even make me crack a smile, that's okay. Because for one brief shining moment, it made me show my teeth to my monitor and make Krista go "S - what the crap are you laughing at over there??"

Forgot to mention - mom and dad are going to see Queen tonight. I am so jealous. Enough to make me say GRR.

More funny things tomorrow.

K - tell me which quotes please you and I will post them!!

Bucky is gone. No comment. Really.

So apparently someone reads this blog now, so I should be posting stuff that actually makes a little bit of sense (instead of my senseless rambling about the TV that rots my brain on a daily basis...).

Speaking of TV, I watched The Amazing Race last night and those hippies are still in it despite taking a 2 hour (!) detour. J has now decided to root for Ray & Yolanda - that's fine. I'm just giddy that Lake & Michelle are out of it. The guy had the nerve to call his wife a bitch on TV!! What is with that?? She just shrugged it off for some reason. Let's show some spine lady! Quit setting us all back. Maybe that's how they talk to their women in the south??

I also watched Top Model - I can't stand Tyra "Drama Queen Oprah Wannabe" Banks because she is so freaking dramatic. I do like Twiggy though. And the fashion shoots. Surprisingly, the show doesn't make myself feel shitty about my body. It used to (maybe because I used toust that hour to stuff myself with pepperoni and chips... now it's water and frozen mangos - YUM). I think the show really shows that those "beautiful people" are really messed up, just like the rest of us!

So we finally get our first long weekend of 2006. I am dying for a day off. Church doesn't start until 8PM so tomorrow I will sleep in, watch some Family Feud, maybe a Biography or two and read. I also want to see the Passion of the Christ this weekend - I've never seen it. Easter weekend is the best - bigger than Christmas. Really the foundation of my whole Faith. That's why it rocks.

So I feel like putting up some Seinfeld because that show is oh so funny...

KRAMER: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

JERRY: (In a bookstore, pointing) Hey, there's Leo.
KRAMER: Oh? Who's Leo?
JERRY: Uncle Leo.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name...
(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)
JERRY: Did I just see that?!
KRAMER: (To Jerry) Well, that outta keep you busy for a few days, huh?


GEORGE: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
CASHIER: (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
GEORGE: Why not?
CASHIER: It's been flagged.
GEORGE: (Confused) Flagged?
CASHIER: It's been in the bathroom.
GEORGE: It says that on the computer?
CASHIER: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.
GEORGE: (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!

KRAMER: (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (makes a noise), he bolted.
JERRY: (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.
KRAMER: (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.

JERRY: To the Idiotmobile!

REBECCA: (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom.
GEORGE: (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's ridiculous.
REBECCA: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!
GEORGE: (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?
REBECCA: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!
GEORGE: I could take it in merchandise..
REBECCA: (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..

MANAGER: Did you want to speak with the manager?
JERRY: Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..
MANAGER: Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.
JERRY: (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal.
MANAGER: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example of someone.
JERRY: So it could be anyone?
MANAGER: I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.
(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat - and is trying to act innocent)
JERRY: That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!
(George is instantly surrounded by guards)
GEORGE: No! Jerry!

Hee hee!! Okay now I really have work to do....

So it was Queen night on American Idol last night... it was kind of nice that Fox reminds all the teenagers in the world that there is more to Queen than We Will Rock You and Bohemian Rhapsody. I really think Chris should have sang Tie Your Mother Down - man that would have rocked. Anyways, it was good except for Ace. That guy sucks. I can't believe he told Brian May and Roger Taylor that he wanted to change their song!! Brian said "No - I'm not changing my song for you" That was sweet. I still can't believe they got to sing with them on stage - that is freaking amazing. So lucky. Boo on Barry Manilow... I can't believe how great Roger and Brian look. Now I really want to go to Queen on Thursday night!!

Work to do... better get a quick quote here:

Reese's History Teacher: I don't see why you would sacrifice the good son for, well, Reese.
Lois: You don't think I would give this one up? Let me tell you something. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat for Reese. Sure, he might have to go to Blue Collar or something, but he'll do fine. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Reese's History Teacher: Nobody could be that cruel to their own son.
[Francis appears in the window]
Francis: Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house. I'll do anything, Mom, just please let me be warm again!!

Hal: One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.

Hee hee!

How will Michael get out of this one??

So Prison Break was sweet last night. Faking the craziness had to be done. I think that crazy guy will remember the tattoos. Also - isn't that the Churched-Up guy from My Name is Earl?

Anyways, Bossman is on his way with coffees for all. I'd better be working when he shows up...

Quick quote:

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge : That's because you were drunk!

Mandiva

So Mandisa is gone now - that sucks because she was really good and I was looking forward to more of her singing. Who the heck is voting for Ace Young?!

Anyways... it looks like Roll Up the Rim to Please Play Again is almost over. There are no more rims to be rolled in the Large size. Only Medium and X-Large. Lucky for me I only drink the X-larges :)

Lots of work to do - some quick quoting and then back to work...

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.

Okay lots of work to do...

Mmm... Cucumber Melon

Got some new Avon junk from the lady at work. I love this anti-bacterial stuff that washes your hands with no water. Now my hands smell like cucumber - yum.

Sales John brought me my coffee this morning - I wonder what he needs?? That was nice of him though - saves me a trip down the road to Tim Hortons to redeem one of my Win A Coffees.

Watched Idol last night - not impressed. I think the thing that really ruined it for me was that it was country night and we had just watched Nashville Star. On Nashville Star, the contestants are all very good professionals that are pretty much established (some already tour, have busses). They actually know what they are doing and know what works for them. Plus there is a way better band, the contestants play their own instruments and the judges are way better than freaking Randy, Paula and Simon (so sick of all of them... I don't even want to see their comments anymore). I'll take Wynonna as a host over Ryan Seacrest any day... Plus the American Idol cast seems to think that their lives are going to be over after the show. Ryan is always saying how this is so darn important and it is the biggest thing that has ever happened to these kids (gag gag). That drives me nuts!! On Nashstar last week, this was a funny exchange that would NEVER happen on idol:

Host : Well, you're leaving us tonight. Do you have anything to say to the people who did vote for you?
Eliminated Contestant : Yeah! What they hell?? Why didn't y'all call more??! (laughs)

See - that would never fly on Idol. Plus one of the Nashville hopefuls is 34 - I think that is awesome!!

Anyways, enough about these competition shows. I wonder what the next one is going to be. Each single network has some sort of competition show to find the BEST of something. Singers, dancers, skaters, chefs, handymen/woman, models, interior designers, clothes designers, stand-up comics, VJs, girlfriends/boyfriends (too many dating competition shows to name), employees... where does it end??!! I'm guessing in the next few years we will see shows pitting everyone from tattoo artists to dog groomers to radio personalities to cartoonists against each other for some sort of contract.

So The Office is rerun this week, but I haven't seen it. I'm going to post all the quotes from The Dundies from www.theofficequotes.com now. (sadly, this site has been shut down - that sucks!!)

Michael Scott: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?

Pam Beesley: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Michael Scott: TMI? Too Much Information. It’s just easier to say "TMI". I used to say "don't go there", but that's lame.

Michael Scott: And here we have Stanley the Manley. Now Stanley is a dundee all-star, aren't you Stan. Why don't you show them some of your bling?
Stanley: I don't know where they are I think I threw them out.
Michael Scott: Oh no you didn't.
Stanley: I think I did.
Michael Scott: Mm.. why di--
Stanley: Say, we need to order more appetizers, we ran out last year.

Jan Levinson-Gould: You already had a party on May fifth for no reason--
Michael Scott: No reason? It was the 05/05/05 party, it happens once every billion years.
Jan Levinson-Gould: --and a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael Scott: No that was a fun raiser, I think I made that very clear in the flyers.

Michael Scott: An employee will go home and he'll tell his neighbor, 'Hey, did you get an award?' And the neighbor will say, 'No man, I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.' Next thing you know, Employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself... due to lack of recognition.

Chili's Manager: We have a strict policy here not to over-serve. Apparently this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome at this restaurant chain, ever again.

Michael Scott: The Busiest Beaver Award goes to Phyllis Lappen! Yeah! Way to go, Phyllis! Nice work! Her usual!
Phyllis: It says 'Bushiest Beaver'.
Michael Scott: I told them busiest... idiots!

Michael Scott: Come on Jan, you're dropping an A-bomb on me.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really. I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael Scott: Well yeah.

Oscar: The dundies are kinda like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time so you're kinda there. That's kinda what it's like.

Michael Scott: I was out on a very, very hot date last night with a girl from H.R., Dwight!Dwight Shrute: Really? We don't have any girls from H.R.
Michael Scott: No, that... for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy, and I was about to take her bra off, when she hand me fill out six hours of paper work.
Dwight Shrute:Like an AIDS test?
Michael Scott: No. God.

Michael Scott: [singing to the tune of 'Tiny Dancer'] You have won a tiny Dundie.
Patron: Sing it Elton!

Pam Beesley: Yay, Kevin! Woohoo for Kevin, for stinking up the bathroom.

Dwight Schrute: Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a 'ladies room' for a reason. And if you can not behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.

Michael Scott: What are we going to play for the ladies, hit it Dwight!
[Dwight starts playing recorder to Mambo #5]
Michael Scott: A little bit of Pam all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing, a little bit of Phyllis everywhere, a little bit of Roy eating chicken-crispers, a little bit of Jim with some ribs...


Okay so I feel like I have already seen this one...

I'll watch it on Thursday and then I can read this post the next day and laugh. Someday this blog will contain whole episodes of shows... just wait. (man I need a life)

Sticky California Closets....

Saturday was a funny, funny day - thanks to my dad. The guy is hilarious. He has developed a very large belly over the last 15 years and doesn't really understand his body's boundaries. The result is a very funny bull-in-a-china-shop type of thing.

So we are at Costco (we = my dad, my mom, me and our $$). After we picked out some stuff (dad is tossing stuff in the cart whenever I make a passing comment that something 'looks tasty'), we paid and mom & dad decide to get hot dogs and pop. Dad fills up his pop and is standing there with pop in one hand, hot dog in his mouth, eyes searching for a table. Of course there are no available tables because it's Saturday afternoon at Costco. Each table has a family of 4 sitting at it, stuffing their faces with pizza and poutine. So I point out an empy till. Dad does one better and makes his way to the California Closets display. I turn my head for just a second to see where Mom is. When I turn back towards the display, my dad is walking away from it, looking sheepish. The display is covered in chunks of ice and spilled Coke.

Me - "What happened??"
Dad - "Damn thing..."

(end of conversation)

I ran and got a ton of napkins and started mopping it up, but there was no garbage can near and too many people to manuveur around to get to the garbage can. So I left the napkins bunched up on the pretty fake wood shelf.

So the 3 of us huddled around the empty till until the hot dogs were done. It doesn't sound as funny when I write it down, but we were having fun with the situation. We were making up conversations for people at the tables. Example : There was a lady in a blue coat cleaning a table before sitting down to eat. My dad thought she worked there (because she was cleaning?).

Dad : Excuse me - someone spilled sticky pop all over that Closet display!
Lady : So...? I don't work here....
Dad : You're a woman aren't you? You should clean it up.
Lady : (agast) Well I never.
Actual Staff Member : Is there a problem?
Dad : Umm - some kid spilled pop on that display (points at display). I think it was him (points at kid).
Kid : WTF?? I saw you man!!
Dad : No one believes little kids.

Or the other scenario is that no one at Costco cleans it up. The California Closet person comes the next day for maintenance and sees the mess. Freaks out because all the pop has now hardened over the napkins and the mess can't even be scraped off. Anyways.... I thought it way funny.

Plus my mom was trying to be bossy in the Tim Hortons drive through and Dad took her down a notch :

Dad unrolls window while in line.
Mom : Jerry! You have to pull up to there to order!!
Dad : (completely straight faced) Did I mention that I come to this Tim Hortons drive through every morning on my way to work?
Me : (laughs very hard as mom's face gets all red and frustrated).


Anyways, the rest of the weekend was great - J had a day off!! This was his first day off in over a month!! We went to church and watched some basketball and nature shows. Then he took a nap and I worked out. Had chicken for dinner. Yummy. Someone asked me at work today if I had been running marathons lately because I look like I'm losing weight. It's working!! I guess cutting out all the cornuts and pepperoni is starting to pay off :)

Okay just a quick quote because Bossman is in and I do have lots of work to do :

Toby: Who brought in doughnuts?
Michael: Somebody got doughnuts for my birthday.
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.
Toby: I guess I forgot.
Michael: Well I guess I forgot to give you a doughnut. (Closes lid on doughnut box.)
Toby: You’re serious?
Michael: Mmm.

I won a coffee today and yesterday by the way!! Yeah!! Still want that Barbeque though... :)